wahooitsmarz

salt shakers
coasters
ice cube tray
hallway mirror
over the door hook
fabric for bedroom curtains
keys hook
dustpan and broom
mop and bucket
vacuum
sofa throw
sofa
ottoman
toothpicks
coffee table
tv
silverware
plates
cups/mugs
bowls
cutting board
shower curtain
shower hooks
shower caddy
shower mat/
speakers
scotch tape
closet organization
dishsoap
dish rack
sponge
kitchen towel
placemats
vase
hair dryer
straightener
full length mirror
candles
printer
gamecube
outdoor light
fire pit
lighter fluid
lighter
headboard
side tables
tv stands
dresser
general tools
electrical tape
bike
plastic chairs
chaise
wall decals
frame hooks
trash bins (bedrooms, bathroom, kitchen)
plunger
hand towel
toothbrush holder
plug ins or febreze
soap dish or hand soap dispenser
power strips
flashlight
matches
pots and pans
cooking utensils
baking pans
bookshelf
shotglasses
calendar
fridge magnets
canopy fabric
desk lamp
floor lamp
tupperware
coffee maker
blender
microwave
cookbooks?
umbrella
wipes
pizza cutter
ice cream scoop
dvd shelf
chairs
kitchen table
fan
stepstool
can opener
strainer
safe
keyboard
desk
desk chair
shovel for snow
rake for leaves?
salt

So, today has not been too hard by any means. I decided to finally get my ass to working on late Create and Lead homework. I've been having all sorts of Gamma and relationship nightmares. They are no doubt brought on by my procrastination and the stress that I am putting myself through.

It's 7 pm and I am sitting on Sam and Raul's tan couch in their room. All I can see of Raul at the moment is his left fist hanging over the edge of his loft bed and Sam's right elbow from the space between his TV and Macbook. I'm just chillin, eating pretzel M&Ms that I have recently become a fan of this week. My flex is unfortunately lowered to less than $20. It's hard to find real food at NH3. Speaking of that, Jon's on schrooms. So is Kris. Jon called me Aphrodite and he says everyone else looks like Greek gods. I finally got to put a face to the name Beetis. He's short and lanky and goofy looking. I expected someone fat as all hell with a lot of freckles and corny shirts.

The only thing to look forward to at the moment is getting to wake Raul up so we can watch more Storage Wars on Netflix, eating these M&Ms off my belly button, and playing beer pong tonight. I had a really delicious corona with lime and salt..it really made my homework delicious. I guess I have gotten to that point where beer is just nice juice. I am not an alcoholic by any means, but I do enjoy a quality drink every once in a while.

I really feel nice lately. Probably has something to do with the fact that I am really getting most of my things taken care of...almost. I have made a huge effort to hang out with Kiara and being with her single self makes me embrace who I am more than I would if I was just hanging out with my floormates. She is really is someone special in my life.

Kimi and I have not talked, but for the meanwhile we have been acting a tad past civil. I'm good with that. She even suggested moving in with Katelynn and Alec next year, BP3 house. The rent is $350 and I can't claim to know if that is actually any good or not, but it is alluring to be "independent." Junior year of college...man...next school year, i'll be driving, have money in the bank (-crosses fingers-), doing allocations as treasurer of LASO, and going through my process. That's a perfect scenario.

Layla is somewhere in the world doing her own thing and I am perfectly fine with that. It serves us both to be apart. I'll get a few sprinkling of her every now and then and that's all good.

Magen told me that yesterday Jackie totally psyched Brandi out of a $450 dress that Brandi selected and would pay for with her own money. I can imagine both sides of it and I can't help but be relieved that I have escaped my bratty high schooler phase. I miss Magen, wish I could bring her with me.

Now that I think of summer approaching..
half price books
six flags
kaskade freaks of nature tour
chicago beaches
working
community class
license
hair cut!!

Yes. That all sounds great. Time to wake Raul's ass up!

- M

Just came back from seeing the movie Bridesmaids at York with Kiara, my gorgey roommate from 2nd semester. We were shamelessly laughing together for the entirety of the movie. Seriously, best seven bucks I've spent in a while.

I think the company makes it though, girl! : )

The girl that rang me up at Starbucks was so sweet and all the honest bitching Kiara and I do is always a relief. It's good to know she and I can be that honest. Hahah...so, while we were waiting for our movie tickets, I told her I'm so relieved we didn't know each other sooner. The people we are right now click and I honestly believe she and I would not be friends if we had met earlier.

I get a little distracted when smooth songs come on Pandora. I am in my own litter world right now and that is perfectly okay with me. : ) I have been alone for most of this month, but not so comfortably like this.

I have to confess that it takes a little bit of effort to hold back and not IM Raul on Facebook. I see his name and all I want to do is tell him about my fantastic day.

I woke up at 11 am, which is so much earlier than usual..and I had breakfast with my parents. They made me laugh when they told me that an annoying raccoon is ruining Dad's vegetable garden in our backyard. My dad was talking with his hand gestures and he was like, yeah that -- uh, Luis just knocked on my door to give me a cheeseburger. (I'm not hungry, but I took it anyway, out of surprise.) -- little bugger was about this big (*gesture*) and I was cracking up and my mom cracked up because I couldn't contain my laughter.

Then, I went out to our deck and walked down the stairs to look at the tomatoes with my dad. It was honestly kind of neat. He then decided it would be a good idea to take out his rifle and make me shoot coke cans. Haha! I suck, needless to say, but it was fun. I will knock them out sometime soon.

I dunno...I feel good. I've always been the rebellious, distant daughter (for years, at arm's length) and I've realized I'm kind of sick that role. I'm moving on to bigger and better things, such as..well, such as actually spending time with them for a bit, conviviendo. Yesterday at my cousin's house, when I felt sick and headache-y, I sped out of the backyard and got pulled into a nice hug by my dad while he was on a phone call.

All in all, he's not so bad. He's the right dad for me. :D
(I mean, he said he was gonna call the authorities on this raccoon. Bahahah! (Mendigo animal! : P)

After a sweet ass breakfast, where my dad made pancakes?! (OMG, I've only seen him once in our kitchen.), I went upstairs and laid down for a while. My eyesight has been giving me trouble. I've been sore..painful! I received a call from Chrissy asking if I wanted to return some clothes with her at Forever 21. I said sure, let's kill some time. It was an alright ride to Woodfield, just talking about high school a lot and waxing/threading.

This was one of the first times I've been to the mall in a whiiile. As I walked by the racks, I realized that fashion is glamorous, but I'm not the same girl I was even a few months ago. I'm far from the girl that spent $200, for two items or something crazy like that, in a day at the mall years ago.

Instead, I thought about how I don't really need that. I'm me - that's all that counts. I have been blessed with natural beauty and it doesn't matter if I'm in a non-descript sweatshirt and ill fitting jeans or if I'm in a Vera Wang dress. I will continue being me. Anything else are just the extras. Italian leather? Whatevs. There will be a time in my life for that. I don't want to be 19 going on 35, like other girls.

Plus...when I finally do put on that cocktail dress, it's really not the dress. It's my energy (and my hair!! ; ) ).

Anyway, I *did* give into buying some delicate and inexpensive necklaces at For Love. I am currently wearing hope around my neck. Hope costs four dollars! Yes! Haha

I'm so happy with my purchase, first one in months. A small, gold ballerina, hope in cursive, a black wooden feline, a muted pink ring with antique detail, cupcake earrings, and glittering gold heart earrings - for under $20. : )

I had A&W with Chrissy as well and I still say they have some seriously yum fries.

Now that I think about it, I might go pick up a tumbler for tea at the end of summer for my school days next semester. It is beautiful, inexpensive, double-walled porcelain. : ) (http://www.teavana.com/tea-products/tea-cups-mugs/travel-tea-cups/p/aurora-borealis-tea-tumbler)

-----

I just decided on a goal for when I go back to school.

1. Hang out with my big, Christina, way more.
She's just such a kick ass girl, obviously real with me.

....gonna pick up my room a bit and think of more goals/things to be done.

I've realized that although I have lived with my oldest brother, Rene, all my life, I haven't informed myself on what autism and mental retardation really is, in depth. I've just started the process and I have finally realized how important this kind of information for his sister to know. All I know is that although I am the youngest child, he has always been the true baby of our household and he will always be the baby for the rest of his life, even while Ivan, Luis, and I continue to have the kind of lives he might have lived himself under different circumstances. He's not going to change, he's not going to get much smarter than this, and that's incredibly frightening to me. Like most of the humans in this world, I fear what I don't understand. My mother and my father have always kept their heads up about his situation and for that they are heroes in my mind. They have always been loving to every one of their children and they are true optimists - at least from what I have seen.

Even though I am admitting my true feelings at this time, I haven't always thought this way. Truthfully, I threw hundreds upon hundreds of tantrums about how annoying and childlike he is, especially when I was in junior high. It was years before I actually truly let one of my "friends" into my home. It took forever to tell one of my "boyfriends" that I had an older brother that was "retarded," even though he legitimately is. I wanted to protect my family and myself from the ridicule that I thought would be inevitable. Kids are cruel. I thought that meant they would never accept this and they would cease to be "friends" with me.

That's not what they did. They were not so mindless as to do this. Instead, they were curious to know why he is the way he is. Instead, they would ask my brother, who always mindlessly rocks in his seat (even if it's stationary and not a rocking chair), how he was doing...to which he would just grunt or ignore completely.

Today, some of my friends, such as Chrissy continue to use the word, retarded, in a derogatory manner. It hurts every time she uses it, but she should know better without my telling her. Even as nasty as Chrissy thinks her little sister can be, Patty thankfully at least has the sense that using words in that way might hurt people and I have heard her scold Chrissy for doing so. One day at a time...


I don't understand it, all I know is that people worldwide are more rude than ever. They're insensitive to how difficult it is for all the families of persons with these type of mental disorders. It's hard for everyone in the world. Everyone struggles for their own distinct reasons, but I feel as though I really know the extra pushes needed in my family's every day life.

The lyrics say it...
part of the truth came out somehow. Raul and I were both upset. It was tough for me to finally admit that there is something serious going on with me.


http://youtu.be/A8-sPgdYYdk

I just want to love. It's not that simple though.

I'm insecure. You and I have both been hurt by others and we both have trust issues and you are not at fault for the way I currently am. I can't shake my fears... you are so wonderful and I don't want to lose you. These are my personal fears with you...

You'll find a girl that can do everything I can and more
You'll realize you can't handle me at my worst
You'll go back to Elizabeth if she wants you - I can't compete with her. You have love in your heart for her that you don't truly have for me yet.
I don't know what you want out of life and you don't know what I want out of life either - what if they're not the same thing?

Raul has invaded my mind. Plain and simple. I haven't admitted it, but I'm so into him that I find myself just waiting around for the next time I can have him in front of me. He embodies my happiness. He is the capsule that holds everything I've been wanting. I know my family would love him. He treats Kiara and everyone around him AMAZINGLY. Maybe that TG of the year guy was right. He is a dying breed, but not because he is an athlete, but because he is a TRUE GENTLEMAN. Chivalry is still alive with my guy.

However, I'm heartbroken. I had been fighting so hard to keep Kenji out of my mind. I wouldn't be experiencing this sometimes if I had not let my guard down at the end, in the first place. For the longest time, I did not open up to Kenji, I was not even close to loving him. I never did end up loving him, but perhaps I was starting to feel something small for him, and that's when it happened.

He let me down.

He broke me without second thought. For some floozy no less. : ( That's such a blow to my ego. All my life, everyone has said I'm beautiful and that I'm such a good person....where did that get me? CHEATED ON. This doesn't mean I will stop being the person I want to be, but it does make me sad.



I'm so glad that he's not coming back next year. He needs to get out of my life. It was mostly my own fault though...for using him as a distraction in the first place. I only wanted someone to worship me, because Marc fucked my life up so much. He was my stalker. He was so possessive. I was bought when I was in that relationship with him. His family bought me and I fell for it. I fell for the image and for his talent when I really didn't like his personality. It just became a nuisance quickly.

Mike says I sure know how to pick them. The guys I always pick have anger issues, are sensitive, will give me anything I want, and are just downright insufficient.

They ultimately want to be with me for what they can get out of me. They don't really give a shit, they're more selfish than I am. They say that they are not like the others, but they are all the same damn guy.


I'm tired of sex. I hate it. Sex is not real love to me. I have always craved a true connection with someone and the only way I'm achieving that is to know a person inside and out emotionally/mentally. Sexual desire has ripped everything with potential apart. Although, everything happens for a reason, right? (I just don't want to end up unmarried in my 30s either though.)

But, I'm afraid of how long it has taken Raul to listen to me. It's really making me sad that sometimes I feel like I'm being raped. (And my dreams are really psyching me out.) I don't want him to end up being a dead end. At this point in our relationship, no matter how much I feel for him, I still have to put myself first, as Christina told me. What I need from him is for him to respect my body, as my mom always warned me. I want to make my parents proud and if his lust for me is greater than his love, he can leave as well.

If you want me, WAIT FOR ME. You have said you will, but you don't. It really makes me sad.

I'd rather be in pain than with the wrong person.

I wonder what it means, the way I feel. I was on FB and I found his ex-gf on his sister's wall and I clicked on her profile. Her quotes sound a lot like something I would copy and paste onto my own information box. I got kind of jealous of her. She got to receive a part of him no one will ever receive. What if he and I are meant to be together?

What then?

I felt inadequate when I looked at her picture. It was strange that it happened even after he told me that I am the best he has ever had. Why do I feel this way? It's kind of dumb, isn't it?

Happy V-Day! Not that I care about this holiday usually..HOWEVER, I'm just a big psyched ball right now. I'm pumped to see how much I can take on before I take that leap in my future. I can feel a change coming and I know that I will return to my happiness soon enough. Lately, things have been stressful and depressing. I guess I really can't expect things to turn out the way I plan every time. I got infatuated with Pi Beta Phi during Formal Rush Week, but I didn't make the cut. I can't lie. It stung. Baaad. Vocal jazz = 6 Pi Phis in one room...After going through the experience of rush week, I have now noticed how many girls wear Greek shit aaaalll TEH time. It's okay though. I'll find the right chapter for me.

I've been thinking about other schools lately. Although I have adjusted to living here in Decatur, I can't say that I feel that I've been getting the most out of my time here at MU.

The school that's on my mind right now is DePaul - my original dream school. I talked to both Mike and Diz and they say positive things about their time there. I hope to visit Splash and check out how I feel there. Diz suggested I talk to a rep about my financial situation.

I ALSO need a job this summer. I noticed that I also might get further if I do more community service this semester, so I'm thinking of asking Hilary to tell me more about her service frat. It would definitely be an easy way to get the hours for the LLC out of the way.

This semester, I hope to have at least one great performance in music, get all As, and finish my lesson stuff correctly this time. I want to redeem my self worth. I need to impress myself if I'm being honest. I've lost that faith I started out with.

It was great talking to Brandon today. He really pulled through for me on this Glade final draft for CWRR II. I was starting to run out of ideas and he really helped me pull it together. Thank you, B!! I hope to hear from you more often and daily.

In the friends dept....let's see...well..I have to be honest and say that I have been thinking about old friends a lot. Jorge came back to me, but nothing has changed. This should be an indication to me that I need to really focus on the now. Shared memories just aren't enough. Also...Clair got a tattoo...that's a big reason why I'm trying to move on and redecorate my way of thinking. Seriously, SERIOUSLY, need to focus on the future.

3 Things That Made Me Happy Today (Er, yesterday)

1. Kenji spinning me on the dance floor (never happened with anyone else, I don't think.)
2. How pretty I felt in my dress
3. Talking to Gracie on Skype

5 things that made me happy today (12/12/10)
1. Cameron gave me chocolate unexpectedly. For X-mas.
2. Kenji came home and ran into my room to basically devour cheeks with kisses.
3. I caught up with more than a month of episodes of Gossip Girl.
4. Pancake dinner is tonight.
5. My delightful boyfriend knew every single thing that made me happy...things that I was seriously going to write. I think he racked my brain for things to tell me to write. He might be a mind reader.


Random things
1. I have a handful of people on my floor that can proofread my papers.
2. Lol. My boyfriend is ridiculously insulting (You're crazy, he says.) and ridiculously helpful (as he rants off the things on my to-do list + helpful reminders.)
3. I will survive even though I really can't see the end at the moment.
4. I got 13 hours of sleep - even though some of that was interrupted by an actual scream coming from my lips...after I dreamt that Emily threw a tarantula at me. : (